


Flushit

by migz_writes



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Group chat, Im gonna stop now, Malec, Multi, Saphael, clace, help its my first fic, idk how to tag, idk what im doing, izzy is a single independent woman, theres gonna be a lot of shameless magnus
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-05
Updated: 2018-08-22
Packaged: 2018-12-11 07:57:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 9,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11710146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/migz_writes/pseuds/migz_writes
Summary: basically a group chat set in an alternate universe...i am also ashamed to say that a lot of these are irl quotes from the littest gc in my life





	1. sherman

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Geeses](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11413455) by [garroways](https://archiveofourown.org/users/garroways/pseuds/garroways). 



> lets hope i dont fail

**_simon lewis has added isabelle lightwood, alec lightwood and 4 others to the chat_ **

**simon lewis:** i thought since we're all in the same group for this project that we should have a way to talk to each other

 **alec lightwood:** we do. school. this wasn't neccessary

 **isabelle lightwood:** well, i think it's a great idea simon

 **alec lightwood:** no you don't, i just heard you mutter in spanish "why does the jewish kid have to do this all the time"

 **raphael santiago:** simon sweetie, they're right, this is stupid

**_simon lewis has changed alec lightwood's name to meanie who only wears black_ **

**_simon lewis has changed isabelle lightwood's name to meanie who only wears black's sister_ **

**_simon lewis has changed raphael santiago's name to grumpy boyfriend who never sides with me_ **

**jace wayland:** wow raphael, i feel bad for you

 **clary fray:** guys, be nice, simon has never done anything wrong

 **simon lewis:** YEAH GUYS!

 **simon lewis:** BE NICE

 **magnus bane:** i'm not even in your group why am i here?

 **simon lewis:** i thought if you were here alec wouldn't leave

 **magnus bane:** oH

 **meanie who only wears black:** I SWEAR TO GOD SIMON IM GOING TO STRANGLE YOU WITH KNIVES

_**meanie who only wears black has changed meanie who only wears black's name to alec** _

_**magnus bane has changed alec's name to alexander** _

**alexander:**...

 **isabelle lightwood:** oOoOoOhHhH

 **jace wayland:** IT'S GETTING STEAMY

 **simon lewis:** alec pls don't hurt the innocent cinnamon bun

 **grumpy boyfriend who never sides with me:** ew

 **grumpy boyfriend who never sides with me:** ah shit

 **magnus bane:** what frightens me is that all those messages came at the exact same time

_**grumpy boyfriend who never sides with me has changed grumpy boyfriend who never sides with me's name to raphael** _

_**simon lewis has disabled nicknames** _

**alec lightwood:** thank you simon

 **isabelle lightwood:** omg alec said thank you

 **raphael santiago:** did alec just say something nice to simon?

 **jace wayland:** i never thought i'd see alec being nice

 **magnus bane:** again, you are all very frightening creatures

 **alec lightwood:** screw you guys im nice all the time

 **alec lightwood:** IZZY I CAN HEAR YOU LAUGHING AND SCREAMING THINGS IN SPANISH, SHUT UP I CAN BE NICE WHEN I WANT TO!

 **magnus bane:** i don't know what you guys are talking about

 **magnus bane:** alec is always really nice around me

 **alec lightwood:** _see_ , someone sees me for who i really am

 **simon lewis:** that's only because alec wants to get in your pants magnus

 **jace wayland:** please, i think hes trying to get magnus' pants off, those pants are way too tight for the both of them

 **raphael santiago:** it sounds like jace is trying to get into magnus' pants

 **alec lightwood:** FUCK YOU GUYS

 **jace wayland:** FUCK YOU RAPHAEL

 **magnus bane:** alec? is that true?

 **clary fray:** i leave for five minutes and alec was nice to simon, oh my god, what is this?

 **isabelle lightwood:** shut up clary, things are getting juicy

 **alec lightwood:** you know, it's getting pretty late, i should probably head to bed

 **simon lewis:** alec, it's 7:32 on a friday night

 **alec lightwood:** goodnight sherman

 **magnus bane:** we'll talk about this tomorrow lightwood

 **clary fray:** OOOOOHHH

 **isabelle lightwood:** AHUHFULASAJALSDMNADNOU

 **jace wayland:** rip alec

 **raphael santiago:** ugh

 **simon lewis:** SEE, I TOLD YOU GUYS THIS GROUP CHAT WAS A GOOD IDEA

 **magnus bane:** again, terrifying 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oops that was a really short chapter but like it felt like a nice place to leave it
> 
> "strangle you with knives"  
> "meanie who only wears black"  
> "grumpy boyfriend who never sides with me"  
> "what frightens me is that all those messages came at the exact same time"  
> "good night sherman"  
> are all quotes from real life
> 
> did this suck pls tell me i rlly need feedback, this is my first time writing...
> 
> my social medias that you in no way should feel obligated to follow but i'd like it if you did
> 
> instagram - @xlaheyscurse  
> twitter and youtube - @shamelessscira


	2. butthole

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, im bored at a restaurant so im writing while trying to avoid small talk with my relatives

_**simon lewis has added alec lightwood to the chat** _

**simon lewis:** alec! STOP LEAVING!

_**alec lightwood has left the chat** _

_**simon lewis has added alec lightwood to the chat** _

_**alec lightwood has left the chat** _

_**simon lewis has added alec lightwood to the chat** _

**jace wayland:**  you're going to have to talk to magnus sometime bud

_**alec lightwood has removed jace wayland from the chat** _

**raphael santiago:** stop being a little bitch and just talk to the man

_**alec lightwood has removed raphael santiago from the chat** _

**isabelle lightwood:** come on alec, just go TALK to him

 **alec lightwood:** ...

 **simon lewis:** why doesn't izzy get removed?

 **alec lightwood:** because she's scary and i live with her

 **simon lewis:** you live with jace too

 **alec lightwood:** i could win a fight with jace

 **alec lightwood:** izzy on the other hand...i could not

 **isabelle lightwood:** damn right you couldn't

_**simon lewis has added raphael santiago, jace wayland and 1 other to the chat** _

**jace wayland:** SCREW YOU ALEC YOU FUCKING FUCK-FACED FUCK!

 **alec lightwood:** come fight me, i dare you

 **jace wayland:** you know...i think i'll just stay here in the safety of my room

 **clary fray:** do you guys literally spend your whole lives on your phones? why am i the only one not on this group chat 24/7?

 **simon lewis:** magnus is barely here anymore

 **clary fray:** you do know that alec removed him 2 days ago, right?

 **simon lewis:** WHAT

 **jace wayland:** how the fuck have you not noticed yet?

 **raphael santiago:** simon, sweetie, if magnus were here, alec wouldn't be

 **alec lightwood:** ^^

 **simon lewis:** ALEC YOU BUTTHOLE! JUST MAKE A MOVE ALREADY!

 **isabelle lightwood:** did you just...

 **isabelle lightwood:** call my brother a butthole?

 **alec lightwood:** why can't you just say asshole?

 **raphael santiago:** he called me a poopface last night

 **raphael santiago:** and winced when i swore in spanish

 **simon lewis:** I AM A CHILD OF GOD, I DO NOT SWEAR, I DO NOT DRINK, I AM THE HOLIEST OF GODS CHILDREN

 **raphael santiago:** we literally had sex like 14 hours ago

 **isabelle lightwood:** AWWWEEEE

 **jace wayland:** oH

 **clary fray:** ahhhhhhh cuties

 **alec lightwood:** ew

 **alec lightwood:** you're all gross and weird

_**simon lewis has added magnus bane to the chat** _

_**alec lightwood has left the chat** _

_**simon lewis has added alec lightwood to the chat** _

**magnus bane:** why did alec remove me in the first place?

 **clary fray:** BECAUSE HE LIKES YOU AND IS INCAPABLE OF ADMITTING THAT, SO HE ACTS LIKE A TEN YEAR OLD BOY THAT LIKES A GIRL BUT DOESN'T WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW, SO HE RESORTS TO BEING MEAN AND EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE

 **isabelle lightwood:**...

 **isabelle lightwood:** she's not wrong

 **jace wayland:** yep, pretty much

 **alec lightwood:** fuck you, you fucking tiny fire hydrant!

 **magnus bane:** alexander, please talk to me tomorrow after school

 **alec lightwood:** tomorrow i won't be at school

 **isabelle lightwood:** alec you're the worst fucking liar in the world

 **raphael santiago:** alec, please just talk to the man, as his roommate i'm sick of hearing him go on about you and it's driving me FUCKING INSANE!

 **magnuse bane:** i do not talk about alexander that much

 **raphael santiago:** "OH ALEXANDER WHY WON'T YOU ANSWER MY CALLS" "OH ALEXANDER I WILL FIND YOU AT SCHOOL" "OH ALEXANDER HOW I WANT THEE" "OH ALEXANDER WHY ARE YOU AVOIDING ME"

 **alec lightwood:** ...

 **magnus bane:** shut up raph

 **simon lewis:** stop being mean to my boyfriend

 **clary fray:** magnus and alec sitting in a tree, F-U-C-K-I-N-G

 **jace wayland:** why am i dating you again?

 **isabelle lightwood:** alec is yelling "fuck you fire hydrant" at the top of his lungs

 **raphael santiago:** magnus is banging on my door telling me to "take that the fuck back"

 **clary fray:** i'm assuming that we're never going to talk about our actual assignment in this group chat

 **simon lewis:** yeah pretty much

 **isabelle lightwood:** wait what project

 **jace wayland:** ^^i think that sums up this whole chat

 **clary fray:** great...

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> help me, my uncle is asking me what i'm writing
> 
> "YOU FUCKING FUCK-FACED FUCK"  
> "come fight me, i dare you"  
> "do you guys literally spend your whole lives on your phones? why am i the only one not on this group chat 24/7?"  
> "YOU BUTTHOLE"  
> "I AM A CHILD OF GOD, I DO NOT SWEAR, I DO NOT DRINK I AM THE HOLIEST OF GODS CHILDREN"  
> "BECAUSE HE LIKES YOU AND IS INCAPABLE OF ADMITTING THAT, SO HE ACTS LIKE A TEN YEAR OLD BOY THAT LIKES A GIRL BUT DOESN'T WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW, SO HE RESORTS TO BEING MEAN AND EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE"  
> "i'm assuming that we're never going to talk about our actual assignment in this group chat"  
> "wait what project"  
> are all quotes from real life
> 
> social medias that i never use apart from instagram
> 
> ig - @xlaheyscurse  
> yt/twitter - @shamelessscira


	3. cuntface

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello everyone  
> ty to keira (@siredtofray on instagram) for "peer pressuring" me to update faster
> 
> also shortass chapter because i'm also in the middle of a magnus edit that i want to be able to post on instagram and i want to finish it soon

**_magnus bane has removed alec lightwood from the chat_ **

**magnus bane:** why does alexander refuse to talk to me?

 **clary fray:** don't take it personally, he refuses to talk to simon as well

 **raphael santiago:** no, alec insults simon all the time

 **simon lewis:** HE DOES NOT

 **jace wayland:** he literally told you to go fuck a duck ten minutes ago

 **magnus bane:** can you people not stick to a topic???

 **isabelle lightwood:** no, not really

 **magnus bane:** WHY DOES THE TALL LIGHTWOOD AVOID ME??????

 **raphael santiago:** pray for me guys, i hear this all day back in our apartment

 **magnus bane:** AND YOU NEVER ANSWER ME

 **isabelle lightwood:** because he's the virginest virgin to ever virgin and he's terrified of his feelings for you

 **jace wayland:** HELP ME

 **jace wayland:** ALEC IS SCREAMING AT MY DOOR ASKING ME "WHY THE HELL DID MAGNUS REMOVE ME FROM THE STUPID GROUP CHAT THAT I DON'T EVEN WANT TO BE A PART OF"

 **isabelle lightwood:** i can hear him from the kitchen

 **clary fray:** how loud is he?

 **isabelle lightwood:** _file attached_

 **clary fray:** wow...

 **simon lewis:** i've never seen alec that hysterical

 **magnus bane:** I HATE YOU ALL

 **magnus bane:** SOMEONE ANSWER ME

 **raphael santiago:** YOU SHITFACE, ISABELLE ALREADY ANSWERED YOU

 **magnus bane:** where?

 **raphael santiago:** SCROLL UP YOU FUCKHEAD

 **magnus bane:** ...oops

 **jace wayland:** can i add alec back yet?

 **jace wayland:** i think he's about to break my door down

 **isabelle lightwood:** magnus should add him back

 **simon lewis:** oOOOhhhHHh

 **clary fray:** MANGUS AND ALEC SITTING IN A TREE

 **raphael santiago:** who's mangus?

 **clary fray:** SHUT UP RAPHAEL

 **clary fray:** you never talk to me, but when i make a typo you pounce on me

 **magnus bane:** i'm just going to add alexander back now

 **jace wayland:** yes please, i'm scared

_**magnus bane has added alec lightwood to the chat** _

**simon lewis:** WELCOME BACK BUD

_**alec lightwood has left the chat** _

**simon lewis:** did i say something wrong?

_**magnus bane has added alec lightwood to the chat** _

**magnus bane:** alec, just stay for a minute ok? 

 **alec lightwood:** why?

 **simon lewis:** yeah, why should he? he's a meanie

 **magnus bane:** because i have to ask you something

 **alec lightwood:** what?

 **magnus bane:** will you go on a date with me?

 **simon lewis:** well yes magnus, i would love to

 **magnus bane:** not you, cuntface

 **jace wayland:** me?

 **magnus bane:** NO!!!

 **isabelle lightwood:** mE?

 **clary fray:** i think he's asking me

 **raphael santiago:** can you all please stop, magnus is yelling curse words in indonesian and our neighbours have already filed several complaints to our landlord and i don't want to have to find a new place to live

 **alec lightwood** : i...

 **alec lightwood:** yes 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fair warning like 50% of this whole fic is gonna be malec, and like 10% saphael, you could probably tell already, oops
> 
> "go fuck a duck"  
> "the virginest virgin to ever virgin"  
> "WHY THE HELL DID ________ REMOVE ME FROM THE STUPID GROUP CHAT THAT I DON'T EVEN WANT TO BE A PART OF"  
> "SCROLL UP YOU FUCKHEAD"  
> "you never talk to me, but when i make a typo you pounce on me"  
> "not you, cuntface"  
> ^^all irl quotes
> 
> instagram - @xlaheyscurse  
> youtube & twitter - @shamelessscira


	4. xxl condoms

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter contains quite a bit of raphael/saphael because i can't help myself

_**isabelle lightwood has removed alec lightwood and magnus bane from the chat** _

**isabelle lightwood:** how do you think their date is going?

 **simon lewis:**  probably terribly 

 **jace wayland:** ten bucks says alec screws it up

 **clary fray:** twenty bucks says magnus fucks it up

 **raphael santiago:** they just stumbled into the apartment and i can hear magnus' bed creaking

 **simon lewis:** O.O

 **raphael santiago:** jace, izzy come get your brother, he's disturbing my peace and quiet with his groans

 **isabelle lightwood:** MY BABY BROTHER IS FINALLY LOSING HIS V CARD

 **jace wayland:** izzy, alec is older than you

 **isabelle lightwood:** shut up

 **clary fray:** are they...?

 **raphael santiago:** i think so

 **isabelle lightwood:** raphael, what's happening now?

 **raphael santiago:** believe it or not isabelle, but i'm actually trying NOT to hear them

 **isabelle lightwood:**   _please_

_**jace wayland has left the chat** _

_**clary fray has left the chat** _

_**simon lewis has left the chat** _

**isabelle lightwood:** why did they all leave?

 **raphael santiago:** because none of them want to hear about your brother's sex life

 **raphael santiago:** frankly, as someone hearing your brother's sex life first hand, i'm not too keen either

 **isabelle lightwood:** u suck

 **raphael santiago:** i can accept that

_**isabelle lightwood has added jace wayland, simon lewis and 1 other to the chat** _

**clary fray:** are you guys done talking about alec and magnus doing it?

 **raphael santiago:** god, i hope so

 **simon lewis:** i just had a strange experience

 **jace wayland:** you are a strange experience

 **simon lewis:** fuck you

 **simon lewis:** anyways, i was at the convenient store across the street from my place, and there was this tall guy there and he was really cool and brooding, and he was in front of me in the line to the cashier and i was just buying some beef jerky, right

 **simon lewis:** but the guy turns to me and smirks, and i don't really think much about it because it's almost midnight in a convenient store, bound to be some weirdos, right? so it gets time for him to pay, and he just hands the cashier some XXL magnum condoms

 **clary fray:** he sounds creepy

 **jace wayland:** ^^

 **simon lewis:** BUT THAT'S NOT IT

 **simon lewis:** the cashier just scans the condoms and doesn't seem to care much, but then he turns around and grins and shoves a business card into my back pocket and whispers "call me" into my ear and then flashes the condoms in my face before exiting the convenient store and winking at me

 **raphael santiago:** he WHAT

 **isabelle lightwood:** *raphael initiates protective boyfriend mode*

 **raphael santiago:** where are you now?

 **raphael santiago:** what's the creeps number?

 **raphael santiago:** doesn't matter, i'm going to your place right now

 **simon lewis:** what why

 **raphael santiago:** because you're my boyfriend and i love you

 **clary fray:** AWWWEEE

 **raphael santiago:** shut up

 **clary fray:** YOU CARE ABOUT SIMON

 **raphael santiago:** ofc i care about the idiot

 **jace wayland:** is that a compliment or an insult?

 **simon lewis:** both, but i've learnt to just take it as a compliment

 **isabelle lightwood:** ten bucks says that they're just gonna have a lot of possessive sex

 **clary fray:** yep

 **jace wayland:** without a doubt

 **simon lewis:** duh

 **raphael santiago:** simon sweetie, shut up

 **isabelle lightwood:** have fun ;)

_**isabelle lightwood has added magnus bane and alec lightwood to the chat** _

**magnus bane:** hi

 **jace wayland:** hello there

 **clary fray:** so how did the date with alec go?

 **isabelle lightwood:** i think we all know how it went ;)

 **alec lightwood:** i hate that i'm related to you

 **clary fray:** *wiggles eyebrows*

 **magnus bane:** i swear we thought raphael wasn't home

 **alec lightwood:** we didn't even see him

 **jace wayland:** were you too busy doing,  _other things_

 **isabelle lightwood:** wink wonk

_**alec lightwood has left the chat** _

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "u suck" "i can accept that"  
> "i just had a strange experience" "you are a strange experience" "fuck you"  
> "is that a compliment or an insult?" "both, but i've learnt to just take it as a compliment"  
> ^^are unfortunately, real life quotes
> 
> leave a comment saying who you relate to most in this chat because i'd really like to see your reactions
> 
> also my other social medias  
> ig - @xlaheyscurse AND i made another account dedicated only to malec - @malecineveryepisode  
> twitter/yt - @shamelessscira


	5. giraffe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's almost 3am and i have to go to the airport at 7am, please appreciate my efforts to try to update everyday
> 
> sorry if there are mistakes in this, i haven't slept for almost thirty hours so, oops

**alec lightwood:**  i hate the world

 **clary fray:**  we know

 **raphael santiago:**  same here

 **isabelle lightwood:**  why?

 **alec lightwood:**  magnus is going back to indonesia for a week

 **simon lewis:**  it's only a week

 **jace wayland:**  when was the last time you saw alec go without magnus for more than 48 hours?

 **simon lewis:**  there was that time where he hadn't slept for ten days and was living purely on coffee, and we had to lock him in his room for 3 days just to get him to sleep

 **clary fray:**  i remember that, alec tried to drag magnus into the room with him and we had to physically restrain him

 **isabelle lightwood:**  my brother is a classy specimen, isn't he?

 **alec lightwood:**  you guys all suck

 **raphael santiago:**  we established that a long time ago

 **magnus bane:**  alexander, we'll still call each other and video chat everyday

 **alec lightwood:**  it's not the same

 **simon lewis:** AND THEN NOTHING'S CHANGED

 **isabelle lightwood:**  WHEN I'M NEXT TO YOU

 **clary fray:** IT DOESN'T FEEL THE SAME!!!

 **jace wayland:**  what?

 **clary fray:**  it's a song

 **raphael santiago:**  simon plays it whenever i leave his place

 **simon lewis:**  it get's the message across, doesn't it?

 **alec lightwood:**  magnus don't leave me with these idiots

 **raphael santiago:**  magnus please leave so i can have the apartment to myself

 **magnus bane:**  i think you mean for you and  _sherman_

 **simon lewis:**  we've been friends for four years, would it really kill you to spell my name correctly?

 **alec lightwood:**  yes sheldon

 **isabelle lightwood:**  we should throw magnus a going away party

 **alec lightwood:**  yes, and then kidnap him so he can't leave

 **magnus bane:**  alexander

 **alec lightwood:**  okay fine, don't kidnap him

 **jace wayland:**  if there's booze, i'm in

 **clary fray:**  i'll go to make sure jace doesn't do anything stupid

 **magnus bane:**  jace really needs to learn to handle his liquor

 **jace wayland:**  coming from the one who had 2 beers last week and started flirting with alec

 **magnus bane:**  he's my boyfriend, flirting is normal

 **jace wayland:**  you asked him if he was single

 **jace wayland:**  and cried when he said he wasn't

 **alec lightwood:**  i remember that

 **alec lightwood:**  you said you would fight whoever my boyfriend was

 **clary fray:**  oh yeah, and then you decided to try to seduce alec by playing the charango

 **raphael santiago:**  no matter how many times i throw that stupid thing away, you always manage to fish it back out of the trash

 **isabelle lightwood:**  magnus really sucks at the charango

 **jace wayland:**  yeah

 **simon lewis:** pretty much

 **clary fray:**  rT

 **alec lightwood:**  i almost broke up with him because of it

 **raphael santiago:**  stop your whining, i'm the one who has to live with it

 **magnus bane:**  suddenly remember why i'm going to indonesia

 **alec lightwood:**  and why is that?

 **magnus bane:** to escape you all

 **isabelle lightwood:** please, you love us

 **magnus bane:**  LIES

 **alec lightwood:** ;(

 **magnus bane:**  okay, i love alec and the rest of you can suck a toe

 **raphael santiago:**  and after all i've put up with

 **magnus bane:** okay, raphael doesn't have to suck a toe

 **isabelle lightwood:**  ew, feet are gross

 **jace wayland:**  i think that's the point

 **clary fray:**  magnus is a cyberbully

 **magnus bane:**  MORE LIES

 **clary fray:**  BLOCK AND REPORT

 **raphael santiago:**  jace, what do you even see in her?

 **jace wayland:**  she's adorable

 **clary fray:** yeah, i'm adorable

 **simon lewis:**  did he mention narcissistic?

 **clary fray:**  I AM NOT

 **isabelle lightwood:**  you look in the mirror more than i do

 **isabelle lightwood:**  and that's saying a lot

 **alec lightwood:**  i can never see my whole reflection in a mirror

 **magnus bane:**  that's not our fault you fucking giraffe

 **jace wayland:**  cuz you're like twenty feet tall

 **isabelle lightwood:**  you're practically a brontosaurus

 **alec lightwood:**  it's not my fault that you're all midgets

 **magnus bane:**  help my boyfriend is too tall to kiss

 **jace wayland:**  kick him in the stomach and when he leans down in pain, kiss him

 **jace wayland:** or step on his feet while wearing heels to get to his level

 **jace wayland:**  OR tackle him to the ground

 **alec lightwood:**  NONONO

 **alec lightwood:**  JUST ASK ME TO LEAN DOWN

 **clary fray:**  i wish i had tall people problems

 **clary fray:**  i can barely reach the top shelf in libraries

 **alec lightwood:**  midget

 **clary fray:**  lanky asshole

 **alec lightwood:**  short stack

 **clary fray:**  beanstalk

 **alec lightwood:** how's the weather down there?

 **clary fray:** how's it feel to have your head so far up your ass?

 **clary fray:**  get it?

 **clary fray:**  because you're so tall

 **simon lewis:**  clary, that doesn't make any sense

 **jace wayland:**  i think it's safe to say that alec won that

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm too lazy to point out which quotes are real life quotes, but just know that there are a lot and my friends once had to lock me in my room to force me to sleep (not for three days, and i didn't go ten days without sleep, but it was still quite terrible)
> 
> instagram - @xlaheyscurse + @malecineveryepisode  
> yt/twitter - @shamelessscira
> 
> can i sleep now?


	6. psycho

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another late night (early morning???) update so i apologize for any mistakes, i'm too lazy and tired to edit this

**jace wayland:** alec where the hell are you?

 **jace wayland:** izzy and i are worried

 **isabelle lightwood:** ALEXANDER GIDEON LIGHTWOOD WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?!?!?!

 **raphael santiago:** calm yourselves

 **raphael santiago:** he's in magnus' room smelling the pillows

 **simon lewis:** it's actually quite disturbing

 **magnus bane:** i've been gone less than 48 hours and he's already sniffing my belongings

 **clary fray:** he came by earlier and asked me if he could play with chairman meow

 **raphael santiago:**  you have chairman meow?

 **magnus bane:** did you really think i would leave the continent and let you take care of my baby for a whole week?

 **magnus bane:** the chairman likes simon and clary's apartment, so i left him with them

 **magnus bane:** how did you not notice his absence

 **raphael santiago:** i'm kind of preoccupied by your boyfriend who is currently in our kitchen smelling our mugs

 **isabelle lightwood:** do you want me to go and pick him up?

 **jace wayland:** do you really expect him to leave?

 **simon lewis:** he's holding magnus' bathrobe and sighing

 **alec lightwood:** magnus come backkkkkk

 **alec lightwood:** your baby misses you

 **raphael santiago:** you're literally acting like a fucking serial killer

 **alec lightwood:** am not

 **simon lewis:** YOU'RE RUBBING MAGNUS' BATHROBE ON YOUR FACE

 **simon lewis:** YOU'RE A FUCKING PSYCHO

 **magnus bane:** i would love to die at the hands of alexander

 **isabelle lightwood:** alec, come home

 **isabelle lightwood:** or i swear to god, you'll regret it

 **alec lightwood:** no

 **isabelle lightwood:** FINE

_**isabelle lightwood has added lydia branwell to the chat** _

**alec lightwood:** Y U DO DIS

 **lydia branwell:** ^^

 **isabelle lightwood:** how does it feel talking to the girl you made your beard in high school

 **jace wayland:** is this about to be awkward

 **alec lightwood:** i am just a homosexual man trying to reconnect with his long lost lover by sniffing his clothes

 **alec lightwood:** leave me alone

 **lydia branwell:** if it makes you feel better, i could tell you were gay from a mile away

 **raphael santiago:** couldn't we all?

 **simon lewis:** alec is gayer than ellen degeneres

 **clary fray:** ^^

 **lydia branwell:**  wait...alec has a boyfriend?

 **alec lightwood:** NO! MY BOYFRIEND HAS ABANDONED ME AND RUN OFF TO INDONESIA!!!

 **magnus bane:** I'M GOING TO COME BACK IN 6 DAYS ALEXANDER

 **isabelle lightwood:** i love you alec, but you are being the biggest drama queen ever

 **lydia branwell:** wow, alec actually has emotions

 **jace wayland:** he is no longer the "straight" high schooler you once knew

 **jace wayland:** he is now the magnus dependent gaybie we all know and tolerate

 **alec lightwood:** MAGNUS COME BACK

 **magnus bane:** ALEXANDER I'M VISITING FAMILY I CAN'T JUST LEAVE AND TELL THEM "sorry my boyfriend can't survive a week without me"

 **clary fray:** alec, you can come play with the chairman if it'll make you feel better

 **raphael santiago:** YES GO DO THAT

 **alec lightwood:** okay...

 **alec lightwood:** i'll always remember you magnus

 **magnus bane:** I'M IN INDONESIA NOT DEAD

 **lydia branwell:** this group chat is...

 **lydia branwell:** interesting

 **isabelle lightwood:** stay a while, you haven't even seen how "interesting" it can get

 **alec lightwood:** claryyyyy

 **clary fray:** ?

 **alec lightwood:** can you come pick me up?

 **clary fray:** alec, honestly?

 **alec lightwood:** it's raining...

 **alec lightwood:** pleaseeeee

 **raphael santiago:** YES PLEASE COME PICK HIM UP

 **clary fray:** fine

 **simon lewis:** alec is really a mess without magnus

 **jace wayland:** he's a mess even with magnus

 **alec lightwood:** FUCC U

 **magnus bane:** my cousin is dragging me to go see my grandmother, goodbye darlings

 **alec lightwood:** GoODBYE

 **alec lightwood:** YOU wILL bE mISSED

 **isabelle lightwood:** alec, hold it together

 **raphael santiago:** he's crying

 **raphael santiago:** he's ACTUALLY crying

 **raphael santiago:** what do i do?

 **simon lewis:** i never thought i'd ever see alec cry

 **simon lewis:** it's disturbing

 **jace wayland:** it's kinda like a robot leaking

 **isabelle lightwood:** just tell simon to go talk to him

 **simon lewis:** why me?

 **isabelle lightwood:** because he'll start making fun of you and stop crying

 **jace wayland:** imagine if magnus and alec break up, how pathetic alec would be

 **raphael santiago:** magnus once started tearing up because i said the word "bottom" because he said it made him think of alec

 **raphael santiago:** they're both pathetic

 **simon lewis:** alec just called me "fucking fuckheaded fuck"

 **simon lewis:** at least he's not crying anymore

 **clary fray:** i'm in the parking lot, tell alec to come out

 **isabelle lightwood:** i told alec to come out all through high school

 **jace wayland:** i don't think that's what she meant

 **alec lightwood:** IM COMING

 **simon lewis:** that's what she said ;)

 **lydia branwell:** i left to make some coffee and alec has cried???

 **lydia branwell:** i literally can't blink or i'll miss everything

 **alec lightwood:** i miss magnus

 **jace wayland:** WE KNOW

 **simon lewis:** WE GET IT SHUT UP

 **raphael santiago:** NO ONE CARES

 **isabelle lightwood:** he'll be back soon, calm your tits

 **lydia branwell:** awe, that's sweet

 **lydia branwell:** it appears that i am in the minority here

 **alec lightwood:** you guys all suck

 **alec lightwood:** except lydia

 **alec lightwood:** and magnus

 **alec lightwood:** even though he does suck quite a bit if u know what i mean ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this features a lot of real life quotes, once again, i'm too lazy and tired to point them out
> 
> social media stuff  
> ig - @xlaheyscurse  
> twitter/yt - @shamelessscira


	7. spicy toothpaste

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the day that i manage to post before 1am will be the day all hell freezes over

**raphael santiago:** it's official, i am moving out of this stupid apartment

 **isabelle lightwood:** what, why? what happened?

 **raphael santiago:** for one, your brother is around almost constantly and i can hear him moaning all day

 **raphael santiago:** and simon asked me to move into his apartment since clary is moving out of theirs and getting a new place with jace

 **isabelle lightwood:** am i the last person to know about this???

 **simon lewis:** i think so

 **lydia branwell:** they even told me before they told you?

 **alec lightwood:** well, magnus asked me to move into his apartment

 **isabelle lightwood:** you AND jace are leaving me????

 **jace wayland:** clary and i have been dating for five years, it's about time

 **alec lightwood:** well, magnus and i have been dating for a month and a half so...

 **alec lightwood:** so i don't know what to say

 **isabelle lightwood:** I HOPE YOU CHOKE ON A DICK

 **magnus bane:** i for a fact know, that alexander has no gag reflex

 **clary fray:** ...

 **jace wayland:** oH

 **simon lewis:** neither does raphael

 **raphael santiago:** SHUT UP

 **alec lightwood:** SHUT UP

 **lydia branwell:** you guys um...

 **lydia branwell:** you don't have any boundaries, do you?

 **simon lewis:** not rlly

 **clary fray:** unfortunately not

 **raphael santiago:** some people in here should

 **alec lightwood:** *cough cough* magnus *cough cough* simon

 **isabelle lightwood:** I'M STILL PISSED THAT YOU AND JACE ARE JUST MOVING OUT

 **isabelle lightwood:** i don't want to live alone

 **jace wayland:** i heard that lydia was looking for a roommate

 **lydia branwell:** woww, jace actually had a decent idea for once

 **jace wayland:** i have good ideas all the time

 **alec lightwood:** "ice pants"

 **magnus bane:** "magnetic shoes"

 **clary fray:** "let's go visit alec's parents"

 **simon lewis:** "strawberry underwear"

 **raphael santiago:** "edible phone"

 **isabelle lightwood:** "spicy toothpaste"

 **jace wayland:** shut up

 **lydia branwell:** izzy, u wanna be roommates?

 **isabelle lightwood:** YES PLS

 **isabelle lightwood:** I CANNOT BE TRUSTED TO LIVE ALONE

 **alec lightwood:** it's true, she once set a metal bowl on fire

 **lydia branwell:** how does one set a metal bowl on fire?

 **jace wayland:** she was microwaving soup

 **clary fray:** still wanna live with her lydia?

 **lydia branwell:** uhhh...i guess?

 **simon lewis:** may god have mercy on your soul

 **magnus bane:** alec why are your shoes in the fridge?

 **alec lightwood:** babe, you put them there

 **magnus bane:** i don't remember doing that

 **magnus bane:** how much did you let me drink last night?

 **clary fray:** you left a voicemail on my phone last night yelling at the top of your lungs

 **magnus bane:** what was i saying?

 **clary fray:** _audio attachment_

 **isabelle lightwood:** why are you yelling the intro to pokemon

 **jace wayland:** i was honestly expecting much worse

 **magnus bane:** EXCUSE ME BUT NO MATTER HOW DRUNK I AM I WOULD NEVER SEND CLARY A VOICEMAIL OF ALEC AND I HAVING SEX YOU BLEACH BLONDE FUCKFACE

 **jace wayland:** i was talking about your singing voice

 **lydia branwell:** um...

 **raphael santiago:** for fuck's sake you people need to get off the internet

 **simon lewis:** i find them entertaining

 **magnus bane:** thank you samuel

 **simon lewis:** my name is literally RIGHT THERE

 **alec lightwood:** sorry sharon

 **clary fray:** anyways...

 **clary fray:** jace and i are moving next week so you guys are all invited to our first house party!

 **jace wayland:** wait what party?

 **clary fray:** you agreed last night

 **jace wayland:** WHEN

 **clary fray:** when you were asleep...

 **jace wayland:** CLARY

 **lydia branwell:** i can't make it, next week i'm in toronto

 **raphael santiago:** i can make it, but i don't want to go

 **simon lewis:** COME ON RAPHAEL

 **raphael santiago:** noo

 **simon lewis:** i'll stop playing the star wars theme song every morning when i get ready

 **raphael santiago:** deal

 **magnus bane:** i'll go if you assholes agree to stop letting me drink to the point where i somehow know all the words to the theme song of an anime i've never watched

 **isabelle lightwood:** but drunk you is funny

 **alec lightwood:** you get really cuddly and soft around me when you're drunk

 **jace wayland:** he once grabbed your collar and called you 'giant pumpkiepoo' after two brandys

 **alec lightwood:** exactly

 **simon lewis:** you guys are a weird couple

 **magnus bane:** says the one who has all the carebears and collects beanie babies and is dating the most cynical and pessimistic guy in all of the universe

 **simon lewis:** i never said my relationship was normal...

 **raphael santiago:** and you never will

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a lot of real life quotes, again too lazy and tired to point them out
> 
> ig - @xlaheyscurse/malecineveryepisode  
> twitter/yt - @shamelessscira


	8. diary

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> long time no update, honestly, i don't even have an excuse,,,
> 
> also this chapter is really short, i'm sry, don't kill me

**lydia branwell:** alec, i just moved into your old room and i found a leather book behind the bed

 **alec lightwood:** DON'T OPEN IT

 **isabelle lightwood:** OPEN IT PLS, DO IT FOR YOUR NEW ROOMMATE!

 **lydia branwell:** i'm opening it

 **magnus bane:** alec would like me to say that he hates you all and is never speaking to you again

 **simon lewis:** what does the book say???

 **lydia branwell:** it's a diary

 **magnus bane:** alec would like me to say "it's not a diary, it's a journal"

 **jace wayland:** lydia hurry up what the fuck does it say

 **lydia branwell:** "day 802 - magnus asked me on a date and i feel like i'm dying because i've been dreaming of this for years and it's actually happening. This is the best day ever, AHHHHHHHH"

 **clary fray:** awww, that's so soft

 **isabelle lightwood:** alec, that's girlier than my old diaries when i was 11

 **magnus bane:** alec would like me to say "fuck you izzy, i hope you choke"

 **magnus bane:** alec would like me to say "on a toenail"

 **isabelle lightwood:** lydia tell us what else it says

 **lydia branwell:** it's all alec fangirling over mangus

 **lydia branwell:** magnus, ask alec what the days mean

 **magnus bane:** alec would like me to say "fat chance"

 **raphael santiago:** i know what it means

 **simon lewis:** be a good boyfriend and tell me

 **raphael santiago:** he's counting the days he's known magnus

 **raphael santiago:** there's actually 5 diaries lying around that apartment, i found the one in the fridge by accident

 **isabelle lightwood:** LYDIA LETS GO ON A MISSION PLEASE

 **isabelle lightwood:** WE NEED TO FIND ALL FIVE BOOKS

 **lydia branwell:** yesyeysysyes

 **magnus bane:** alec would like me to say "fuck you raphael and your stupid nerd boyfriend"

 **clary fray:** I'LL COME OVER AND HELP YOU SEARCH

 **jace wayland:** i'm coming too

 **magnus bane:** i wanna help

 **alec lightwood:** I SWEAR TO GOD MAGNUS BANE IF YOU HELP THEM I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL START SHAVING AGAIN

 **magnus bane:** NO I LOVE YOUR BEARD

 **magnus bane:** i won't help them ever again, i promise

 **magnus bane:** now come back to bed pls

 **magnus bane:** i wanna cuddle

 **isabelle lightwood:** we should really start making fun of magnus for being so whipped

 **isabelle lightwood:** we only ever make fun of alec

 **clary fray:** you know raphael is pretty whipped too

 **raphael santiago:** fuck you no i'm not

 **jace wayland:** one time you kicked a bench because you said only you were allowed to be sat on by simon

 **lydia branwell:** i saw raphael cuddling simon once

 **lydia branwell:** he's the small spoon

 **magnus bane:** so is alexander

 **alec lightwood:** fUCK YOU MAGNUS, I'M SHAVING

 **magnus bane:** NONONONONO I'M SORRY

 **magnus bane:** ALEC IS NOT A SMALL SPOON, AND EVERY NIGHT HE'S THE ONE INSIDE OF ME, DEFINITELY NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND

 **magnus bane:** HE'S THE TOPPIEST TOP THAT EVER TOPPED I PROMISE

 **magnus bane:** DON'T SHAVE

 **raphael santiago:** whipped

 **magnus bane:** coming from the one who doesn't wear black anymore because one time simon said blue was a better colour

 **isabelle lightwood:** WE FOUND THE THIRD DIARY

 **lydia branwell:** "day 923 - last night magnus asked me to top. i laughed in his face. my ass hurts now. goodnight."

 **alec lightwood:** lydia,,, why do you betray me like this

 **lydia branwell:** you made me your beard for all of high school, you're lucky i'm not in your apartment cutting your penis off right now

 **jace wayland:** not like he needs it for sex

 **simon lewis:** why is most of this group chat making fun of raphael and alec?

 **alec lightwood:** because you're assholes who hate bottoms

 **simon lewis:** how did you know raphael was a bottom?

 **clary fray:** is that like gaydar, but for bottoms?

 **raphael santiago:** shut up fire hydrant

 **isabelle lightwood:** alec, how come in your diary you wrote "fuckity dick, dickity fuckity fuck dick fuck"

 **alec lightwood:** ...

 **magnus bane:** alexander, what the actual fuck

 **alec lightwood:** i think it was the time a girl hit on me in the convenient store

 **magnus bane:** a girl WHAT?

 **clary fray:** her gaydar is clearly off

 **simon lewis:** do straight girls have gaydar?

 **isabelle lightwood:** i knew alec was gay before he did

 **clary fray:** i thought raphael was straight until i saw him groping simon's ass

 **jace wayland:** what idiot can't tell that alec's gay?

 **alec lightwood:** it was like that guy that hit on simon with the condoms

 **alec lightwood:** except when i told her i was gay, she was like "please, i have a gay friend, and i can tell that you are not gay"

 **lydia branwell:** i found it in the diary

 **lydia branwell:** "i looked at her and told her that i had a boyfriend, and then she said again that i couldn't be gay. so then i kinda lost it and i jsfihsgsufo

 **lydia branwell:** sorry, i'm just laughing at what alec wrote next

 **alec lightwood:** hey, i actually did it

 **lydia branwell:** "i said to her, that i love my boyfriend and very much enjoy having his penis in my anus every night multiple times"

 **raphael santiago:** that poor girl

 **magnus bane:** FUCK THAT GIRL NO ONE HITS ON MY BOYFRIEND AND GETS AWAY WITH IT

 **jace wayland:** so are we just ignoring the fact that alec told a random girl that he gets fucked in the ass multiple times a day

 **simon lewis:** i was there that day

 **simon lewis:** alec looked like he was about to kill himself

 **isabelle lightwood:** is that why you got home that day and yelled "fuck all you heterosexuals"

 **alec lightwood:** i've done that more than once

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> follow my ig accs pls i'm thirsty
> 
> @malecineveryepisode  
> @xlaheyscurse


	9. dildo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a fast update to try to make up for my earlier absence

**lydia branwell:** isabelle, why do i smell burning?

 **simon lewis:** if i were u, i'd run for your life

 **jace wayland:** as someone who has lived with izzy all my life, i agree with simon

 **isabelle lightwood:** OH SHIT

 **isabelle lightwood:** the cookies i was boiling!!!

 **clary fray:**  how does one boil cookies?

 **alec lightwood:** izzy once said she was going to try to 'deepfry jelly'

 **raphael santiago:** foeahu;dsd=gdjjjz

 **alec lightwood:** ^^what was that?

 **clary fray:** raphael never does keyboard smashes

 **lydia branwell:** what's wrong with him?

 **simon lewis:** sorry, that was my fault

 **jace wayland:** why was it ur fault?

 **simon lewis:** well, i'm giving raphael a blowjob and he accidentally sent that message

 **alec lightwood:** TOO MUCH INFO

 **isabelle lightwood:** coming from the one who sends dozens of messages on a daily basis saying how sore his ass feels after sex

 **raphael santiago:** simon, we need to have another conversation about what is and isn't appropriate to say to our friends

 **jace wayland:** alec and magnus should have that conversation

 **magnus bane:** we have, and came to the conclusion that nothing is too private to share with our lovely friends

 **lydia branwell:** i can't tell if you're being sarcastic or not

 **alec lightwood:** he isn't

 **clary fray:** why are jace and i the most reserved couple in this chat?

 **magnus bane:** because heterosexuals are boring

 **raphael santiago:** ^^

 **alec lightwood:** rT

 **simon lewis:**  yep

 **jace wayland:** at least we don't talk about how our partner fingered ointment into our ass *cough cough* alec

 **lydia branwell:** izzy, are the cookies okay?

 **isabelle lightwood:** if you mean okay as in edible, then no

 **isabelle lightwood:** but if you mean okay as in not on fire, then yes

 **magnus bane:** alexander would like me to tell jace that he's no longer speaking with him

 **jace wayland:** good, at least now i don't have to hear about how you keep trying to get him to top

 **magnus bane:** BUT LIKE SERIOUSLY, HE WOULDN'T EVEN TOP ON MY BIRTHDAY

 **clary fray:** alec just texted me say that he's now no longer speaking to magnus or jace

 **simon lewis:** alec is a petty little shit

 **clary fray:** alec just told me to say "not talking to you anymore either sherwin"

 **isabelle lightwood:** i tried to feed the remnants of the cookies to a pigeon and it died right after it smelled it

 **lydia branwell:** that pigeon represents us all

 **raphael santiago:** izzy needs to stop cooking for the sake of humanity 

 **alec lightwood:** as long as i no longer live with her, she can do whatever she wants

 **magnus bane:** alexander come back to bed right this instant

 **jace wayland:** i thought he wasn't talking to either of us

 **simon lewis:** he's not talking to me either

 **alec lightwood:** i'll go back to bed if you stop trying to get me to top

 **isabelle lightwood:** i really think that this conversation can be had in your private messages guys

 **magnus bane:** our what?

 **jace wayland:** ^ that right there explains a lot

 **lydia branwell:** isabelle and i have been thinking about this

 **lydia branwell:** and we came up with ship names for magnus and alec

 **isabelle lightwood:** and for raphael and simon

 **simon lewis:** OOH WHAT'S OUR SHIP NAME

 **lydia branwell:** saphael

 **alec lightwood:** what's the ship name for me and magnus?

 **isabelle lightwood:** malec

 **clary fray:** why don't jace and i get a ship name?

 **raphael santiago:** because heterosexual people suck

 **jace wayland:** heterophobe

 **magnus bane:** alexander i promise to never ask you to top again if you just come back to bed and stop blasting porn just to annoy me

 **simon lewis:** what kind of porn is he blasting?

 **magnus bane:** lesbian

 **lydia branwell:** why is alec watching lesbian porn?

 **alec lightwood:** i'm not watching it, i just put it on the speakers

 **clary fray:**  why is porn annoying magnus?

 **alec lightwood:** he hates porn

 **magnus bane:** BECAUSE IT'S FAKE AND EVERYTHING ABOUT IT SUCKS

 **isabelle lightwood:** my innocent brother is blasting porn throughout his apartment

 **magnus bane:** trust me, alexander is FAR from innocent

 **magnus bane:** you should see the look in his eyes when i'm inside of him

 **raphael santiago:** TMI MAGNUS

 **jace wayland:** JFC MAGNUS STOP

 **clary fray:** ew

 **alec lightwood:** mango shut up

 **simon lewis:** who's mango?

 **lydia branwell:** mango?

 **alec lightwood:** FUCK AUTOCORRECT

 **magnus bane:** i'm a mango?

 **alec lightwood:** i'll top tonight if you forget about this

 **magnus bane:** deal, get in bed

 **jace wayland:** why is 90% of this group chat about sex?

 **raphael santiago:** 70% of it is from the mango and alec

 **isabelle lightwood:** and the other 20% is you and simon

 **simon lewis:** hEY

 **simon lewis:** raphael and i are at least 25%

 **lydia branwell:** jfc if i ever lost my vibrator, i could just put my phone on vibrate cause you guys literally NEVER stop 

 **clary fray:** jace threw my vibrator away

 **jace wayland:** I THOUGHT IT WAS A GIANT JELLYBEAN I'M SORRY

 **clary fray:** you're not forgiven

 **raphael santiago:** one time i found a vibrator in simon's grandmother's bedside table

 **simon lewis:** hEY THAT'S YOUR SOON TO BE GRANDMOTHER YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT

 **isabelle lightwood:** are you two engaged?!?!

 **clary fray:** ARE SAPHAEL GETTING MARRIED????

 **raphael santiago:** maybe

 **simon lewis:** we meant to tell you guys

 **jace wayland:** when did you get engaged?

 **raphael santiago:** two months ago

 **lydia branwell:** YOU'VE BEEN ENGAGED FOR TWO MONTHS AND DIDN'T THINK TO MENTION IT TO ANY OF US?!

 **isabelle lightwood:** WHAT THE HELL GUYS

 **simon lewis:** oops

 **clary fray:** oops is right you lying sacks of shit

 **jace wayland:** where are alec and magnus?

 

 **isabelle lightwood:** probably having sex

 **lydia branwell:** when's the wedding?

 **raphael santiago:** three months

 **simon lewis:** october 31st

 **clary fray:** you idiots are having your wedding on halloween???

 **alec lightwood:** you guys are a weird couple

 **simon lewis:** you and magnus are a weird couple

 **magnus bane:** no we're not

 **raphael santiago:** just the fact that alec is the bottom is weird enough

 **alec lightwood:** FOR YOUR INFORMATION ALEXANDER GIDEON LIGHTWOOD TOPPING WOULD BE WEIRD

 **isabelle lightwood:** i thought you agreed to top half an hour ago

 **alec lightwood:** and it was weird

 **magnus bane:** yeah it kinda was

 **alec lightwood:** should i be offended by that?

 **lydia branwell:** in high school i found a dildo in alec's closet and i thought it was izzy's but now i KNOW

 **alec lightwood:** that dildo was izzy's

 **isabelle lightwood:** shut up alec

 **jace wayland:** we all know it was yours alec

 **simon lewis:** how did we start talking about alec's high school dildo immediately after raphael and i tell you that we're getting married

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i tried to make this chapter longer to make up for me being absent
> 
> instagram - @xlaheyscurse  
> yt/twitter - @shamelessscira


	10. bridezilla

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> honestly i started this chapter a month ago and it was about to be deleted so i just finished it, idek what this is, don't judge me

**raphael santiago:** clary

 **raphael santiago:** help me

 **raphael santiago:** i'm in danger

 **magnus bane:** why are you asking HER for help?

 **magnus bane:** i thought that  i was your best friend

 **clary fray:** what do ya want?

 **raphael santiago:** it's simon

 **raphael santiago:** he's going crazy

 **jace wayland:** wasn't he always crazy???

 **alec lightwood:** ^^

 **raphael santiago:** he's freaking out over our wedding plans

 **raphael santiago:** calm him down pls clary, he listens to you

 **clary fray:** ugh,,,,

 **clary fray:** fine, i'll be over in 10

 **lydia branwell:** who do you think is gonna be bridezilla when magnus and alec get married?

 **magnus bane:** me

 **alec lightwood:** me

 **isabelle lightwood:** ^^that is why i should plan the #malec wedding

 **jace wayland:** u rly shouldn't

 **alec lightwood:** izzy, ily, but there's no way that id ever let u anywhere near the plans of my wedding

 **magnus bane:**  ^^

 **lydia branwell:** so when do you guys plan on getting married?

 **alec lightwood:** idk

 **magnus bane:** we've only been dating for like six months

 **alec lightwood:** 1 week 4 days and 17 hours

 **raphael santiago:** that's sorta creepy alec...

 **jace wayland:**  if magnus dies alec would be the first suspect

 **magnus bane:** it would be an honour to die at the hands of alexander

 **alec lightwood:** i would NOT kill my boyfriend

 **alec lightwood:** if anyone was going to kill their boyfriend it would either be clary or raphael

 **raphael santiago:** i think simon might kill me

 **raphael santiago:** i've never seen him so stressed or angry

 **raphael santiago:**  he threw a flower pot in my direction because he didn't know whether we should serve chicken or pork

 **clary fray:** AND YOU'RE FIRST THOUGHT WAS TO SEND ME TO HIM????

 **jace wayland:** rip clary

 **alec lightwood:** see, clary's probably going to kill jace

 **clary fray:** if simon doesn't kill me first

 **magnus bane:** if you do die

 **magnus bane:** can i have your paints and art supplies?

 **clary fray:** yes, as long as you paint the walls an annoying shade of pink to annoy alec

 **alec lightwood:** i hope bridezilla stomps on your fire hydrant ass

 **jace wayland:** hEY THAT'S MY GRILL FRIEND

 **isabelle lightwood:** i left for 2 minutes and jace has called clary his grill friend.

 **magnus bane:** what the hell is a grill friend???

 **jace wayland:** FUCK AUTOCORRECT

 **alec lightwood:** LOSER

 **jace wayland:** hEY YOU CALLED MAGNUS A MANGO LAST WEEK

 **clary fray:** that was funny

 **magnus bane:** fUCK YOU FIRE HYDRANT, DON'T YOU HAVE A BRIDEZILLA TO GET STOMPED ON BY???

 **raphael santiago:** pls hurry, i'm actually worried about simon

 **clary fray:** jeez, i just parked, i'm almost there

 **isabelle lightwood:** rip clarissa

 **jace wayland:** you were a good girlfriend and will be missed

 **alec lightwood:** idrc if you die

 **magnus bane:** alexander, play nice

 **alec lightwood:** don't get yourself killed, fire hydrant

 **raphael santiago:** hURRY

 **clary fray:** jfc i already here yelling

 **raphael santiago:** HURRY FASTER

 **lydia branwell:** do you people not have day jobs?

 **isabelle lightwood:** yes, but clearly we're not very good at them

 **magnus bane:** speak for yourselves, i choose my own hours

 **alec lightwood:** i don't even remember where i work

 **jace wayland:** i didn't even know you had a job

 **alec lightwood:** i haven't gone to work for like three years

 **alec lightwood:** but they're still paying me so???

 **magnus bane:** what

 **lydia branwell:** how tf does that shit work?

 **alec lightwood:** i dunno

 **clary fray:** i got simon to calm down

 **raphael santiago:** THANK YOU

 **raphael santiago:** how?

 **jace wayland:** yeah, how?

 **clary fray:** i threatened to invite alec over

 **simon lewis:** pls don't invite alec

 **alec lightwood:** as if i would even want to go there

 **lydia branwell:** wHY AREN'T WE TALKING ABOUT THE FACT THAT ALEC IS BEING PAID FOR A JOB THAT HE DOESN'T EVEN GO TO??????

 **isabelle lightwood:** because we have the attention span of 3 year olds

 **jace wayland:** speak for yourself, i am a mature adult

 **clary fray:** you got lost at our date at the park because you saw a squirrel

 **alec lightwood:** you once fell into a lake because you claimed 'an evil duck was chasing you'

 **magnus bane:** i once heard you refer to sex as 'the thing mommies and daddies do'

 **jace wayland:** fUCK YOU MAGNUS I WAS TALKING TO MAX

 **alec lightwood:** WHY WERE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT SEX WITH MAX?!!!

_**jace wayland has left the chat** _

**lydia branwell:** so back to alec's 'job'?

 **alec lightwood:** i'm pretty sure it's for some accounting firm

 **magnus bane:** ew, accounting

 **simon lewis:** excuse me

 **simon lewis:** i am literally in school to be an accounting

 **alec lightwood:** exactly

 **clary fray:** can i add jace back?

 **magnus bane:** why?

 **magnus bane:** he's the one who left

 **isabelle lightwood:** let's all spam pictures of ducks and then add him back

 **raphael santiago:** yES

 **raphael santiago:**   _image attached_

 **raphael santiago:** _3_ __images attached__

 **raphael santiago:**   _ _ _14 images attached___

 **simon lewis:** raph,,, honey

 **simon lewis:** why do you have 18 pictures of ducks just on your phone???

 **raphael santiago:** i have more in case i need to use it against jace

 **isabelle lightwood:**   _2 images attached_

 **simon lewis:** that,, kinda makes sense?

 **alec lightwood:**   _58 images attached_

 **raphael santiago:** okay

 **raphael santiago:** alec wins

 **alec lightwood:** i have a folder with 394 pictures of ducks

 **magnus bane:** i'm dating an idiot

_**alec lightwood added jace wayland to the chat** _

**jace wayland:** FUCK

 **jace wayland:** YOU ARE ALL ASSHOLES

 **jace wayland:** THERE'S A SPECIAL PLACE IN HELL FOR YOUR KIND

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i told you it was stupid
> 
> \- social medias  
> instagram - @alecswood  
> youtube - @shamelessscira


	11. raphael hates you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so originally i wasn't planning on continuing this fic,, because it's been a year since i last updated it, but i got to rereading it and realized that i actually find this funny. so here you all go.
> 
> ++ i used to talk about sex so much in this, oh my god, i promise i've changed

**clary fray:** does your penis ever touch the inside of a toilet?

 **simon lewis:** sometimes

 **magnus bane:** it's so cold and wet

 **simon lewis:** if girls have diarrhea and you poop and pee at the same time do the two streams mix?

 **lydia branwell:** no, they're two different holes.

 **alec lightwood:** what happens if you are wearing a pad or tampon and you need to pee

**alec lightwood:** do you pee in the tampon

**alec lightwood:** does the pad absorb everything

**alec lightwood:** or do you carry like 5 backup tampons with you at all times to switch after you pee 

**clary fray:** oh yeahhh

**clary fray:** how does the tampon work when u needa pee

**clary fray:**  i mean,, with the pad it's on your underwear so you take it off when you pee  

 **alec lightwood:** oh...wait so does it like stick to the underwear

 **isabelle lightwood:** if ur wearing a tampon u can just pee because they're 2 different holes 

**isabelle lightwood:** a normal vagina is also probably deep,, i'm assuming because don't penises go inside?

 **lydia branwell:** don't you guys have school to go to or something?

 **jace wayland:** what is this school you speak of?

 **alec lightwood:** it's july

 **lydia branwell:** alec,, sweetie,, we're well into may

 **alec lightwood:** oh

 **magnus bane:** when can we all hang out again, i'm boredddd

 **isabelle lightwood:** you think you have it bad?

 **isabelle lightwood:** since lydia is in toronto i'm alone,, i almost set spaghetti on fire

 **simon lewis:** ??? how ???

 **raphael santiago:** i guess that does require some "skill"

 **isabelle lightwood:** i didn't know you had to add water

 **clary fray:** dear god iz, just stop cooking

 **magnus bane:** i need more social interaction i'm too lonely

 **alec lightwood:** what am i? a potato?

 **simon lewis:** yes

 _**alec lightwood removed simon lewis from the chat**_  

_**clary fray added simon lewis to the chat**_

_**alec lightwood removed simon lewis and clary fray from the chat**_

**raphael santiago:** i know i should defend my boyfriend,,

 **raphael santiago:** but i don't wanna

_**raphael santiago added simon lewis to the chat** _

_**simon lewis added clary fray to the chat** _

**simon lewis:** wow, what a great boyfriend i have

 **raphael santiago:** you're allowed to leave me anytime you want

 **simon lewis:** pls, you would literally stop functioning

 **raphael santiago:** don't be ridiculous

 **isabelle lightwood:** raphael, we all know that you can't live without simon

 **raphael santiago:** coffee. i can't live without coffee. simon is expendable

 **jace wayland:**  mhm

 **raphael santiago:** you guys are obsessed with my relationship it's weird

 **lydia branwell:** you know what i find rlly weird?

 **jace wayland:** simon

 **lydia branwell:** yes, but that's not what i meant

 **simon lewis:** you're all meanies

 **lydia branwell:** canadians don't have canadian accents

 **alec lightwood:** ????!!!

 **magnus bane:** is this surprising?

 **isabelle lightwood:** you mean they don't say aboot?

 **lydia branwell:** no, and they also say sorry the same way we do, and they don't live in igloos, nor do they drink maple syrup instead of water

 **raphael santiago:** they also don't say eh every time they speak

 **lydia branwell:** i feel so lied to

 **isabelle lightwood:** when i was a child alec told me that jace was my uncle and not my brother so imagine how i felt

 **clary fray:** how old were you to have believed that???

 **isabelle lightwood:** 11

 **alec lightwood:** so old enough to know better

 **jace wayland:** WHY DID I NOT KNOW THIS?

 **jace wayland:** is this why you wouldn't let me hold your hand until you were 16?

 **isabelle lightwood:** i thought you were a creep who was perving on their niece,,

 **simon lewis:** you didn't realize until you were 16??

 **alec lightwood:** switching topics

 **alec lightwood:** should we wear costumes to raphael and simon's wedding since it's on halloween?

 **simon lewis:** YES

 **raphael santiago:** i'm not sure i want to get married to you anymore

 **magnus bane:** we switch convo topics unusually fast

 **alec lightwood:** it's called adaptation

 **alec lightwood:** it's normal in animals, and humans are animals

 **lydia branwell:** too bad y'all aren't humans,, y'all are all fucking dogs

 **clary fray:** noo

 **jace wayland:** dogs are cute and loyal, so jokes on you,,

 **jace wayland:** you're a duck lydia

 **lydia branwell:** elaborate

 **jace wayland:** a menace to society

 **alec lightwood:** you really have to get over this irrational fear

 **jace wayland:** it is not irrational. i am perfectly rational. as a matter of fact, i am so rational that i'm beyond rational. i am tresrational

 **isabelle lightwood:** you're as rational as you are my uncle

 **jace wayland:** in that case, i am your uncle

 **isabelle lightwood:** that means you're also alec's uncle

 **alec lightwood:** no, he's my brother, i'm your uncle

 **isabelle lightwood:** you're all stupid

 **magnus bane:** you guys are a weird family

 **alec lightwood:** one day you will legally be a part of this family

 **magnus bane:** i want to break up

 **raphael santiago:** mood

 **simon lewis:** rude

 **alec lightwood:** simon, we must band together against our mean boyfriends

 **simon lewis:** did you just say something not mean to me?

 **alec lightwood:** no

 **alec lightwood:** but we must form an anti boyfriend alliance

 **simon lewis:** afraid i can't. i don't have a boyfriend, only got a fiance

 **lydia branwell:** what is this? a competition?

 **simon lewis:** no, but if it were, raph and i would totally win since we're the only ones who are engaged

 **jace wayland:**  no, clearly clary and i would win

 **clary fray:** yeah, we've been together for the longest time

 **magnus bane:** i vote for sharon and raphael

 **alec lightwood:** um what

 **alec lightwood:** excuse me, but i am literally your boyfriend

 **magnus bane:** if i vote for us, then it's a tie, but if i vote for raphael and sandra, then they win, which pisses off jace because that means he loses

 **alec lightwood:** oh ok

 **alec lightwood:** then i also vote for the nerd and raphael

 **simon lewis:** omg raph! we win!!!

 **raphael santiago:** i hate you all

 **clary fray:** take a shot every time raph says he hates us

 **magnus bane:** i don't think i've ever been that drunk in my whole life

 **raphael santiago:** i hate you all

 **simon lewis:** anyway,, what are you all gonna dress up as for my wedding

 **raphael santiago:** OUR wedding

 **simon lewis:** keep telling yourself that

 **alec lightwood:** i'll dress up as the invisible man

 **simon lewis:** how can you do that

 **alec lightwood:** not showing up

 **raphael santiago:** fine by me, less food we have to buy

 **magnus bane:** both of you are wrong, and alec is going to your wedding

 **alec lightwood:** fine

 **clary fray:** yeah, you can just bring your bow and arrow and pretend to be an emo robin hood

 **clary fray:** and while you do that, jace and i will be jack and rose from titanic

 **jace wayland:** when did we agree on this?

 **clary fray:** just now

 **isabelle lightwood:** OOH I WANNA BE WONDERWOMAN

 **magnus bane:** yES

 **lydia branwell:** would i make a good cinderella?

 **magnus bane:** dOUBLE YES

 **simon lewis:** so what are you gonna dress up as, magnus?

 **magnus bane:** hmm

 **magnus bane:** what goes with robin hood

 **alec lightwood:** i didn't agree to be robin hood

 **magnus bane:** you just did

 **clary fray:** i think robin hood falls in love with maid marian

 **magnus bane:** who the fuck

 **clary fray:** _image attached_

 **magnus bane:**  i guess i can make that work

 **simon lewis:** do you guys want to know what raph and i are dressing up as?

 **alec lightwood:** no

 **clary fray:** yes

 **simon lewis:** we're going to be vampires

 **simon lewis:** it was the only thing i could get raph to agree on, he said "at least i'll feel at home"

 **isabelle lightwood:** we been knew that raph is a vampire

 **jace wayland:** obviously, since raphael is basically a vampire already

 **raphael santiago:** i hate you all

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tbh i liked writing this, so i might actually try to update it regularly
> 
> follow my instagram to force me to update this fic - @alecswood


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